I Tried to Forgive; But I’m Still Not Free

“Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.” ~ William Barkley[1]

We’ve read stories of how when others forgave heinous crimes, love and compassion for the wrongdoer replaced their former bitterness. But what if we’ve tried to forgive and that hasn’t been our experience? What are we to do when bitter feelings still sour our stomachs whenever we remember the offense or the offender? We want whole and healed hearts. How do we receive that touch from God that heals our pain and removes our bitterness?

While Jesus walked this earth, He healed in various ways. Some recipients were not even present when He said the word that healed them. Other healings required the participation of the afflicted. The healing at the pool of Bethesda of the man who’d lain sick for thirty-eight years provides one example:

When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
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“I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.”
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Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”
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Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! (John 5:6-9 NLT)

If you’d suffered for thirty-eight years as an invalid and a stranger asked if you wanted to get well and then had the nerve to say, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk,” how would you respond? How dare a healthy man, who’d not even lived as many years as you’d suffered, tell you to pick up your mat and walk! Such a command would be cruel—unless Jesus was speaking. For when Jesus says “Stand, pick up your mat, and walk,” He’s about to perform a miracle.

It doesn’t matter how long or intensely we’ve suffered. When Jesus tells us to walk, we can. He supplies all we need to obey His commands. But to receive our healing we must open our hand through obedience.

When You’ve Tried to Forgive: Jesus’s Counterintuitive Way of Dealing with Enemies

We love Jesus’s magnanimous teachings, until we must practice them. Have you noticed how those loving commands are humanly impossible to keep? That’s the point. We can’t satisfy His holy commandments—apart from His love and strength coursing through our hardened arteries. Hard teachings remind us, that like the invalid, the Christian Walk is impossible apart from God’s strength.

Some temperaments may forgive easier than others. Some offenses are easier to let go. But eventually, we encounter a stone too heavy to move. These challenges require us to trust Jesus at a deeper level or shrink back in disobedience and miss our healing. For example:

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
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“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.
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“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate” (Luke 6:27-36 NLT)

During Jesus’s time on earth, Rome occupied the land of Israel. The Romans worshipped pagan gods and persecuted the Jews. If a Roman soldier asked for your coat, you gave it to him or suffered the consequences. The Jews hated the Romans and sought a military Messiah that would save them from their Roman oppressors. They sought an earthly kingdom.

But Jesus didn’t come to save Israel from Rome. He came to save us all from sin. Jesus’s way of deliverance was not to overthrow the Romans, but to overcome the flesh by being kind to our oppressors. Perhaps, the phrase, “killing them with kindness” came from Jesus’s teaching.

No one wants to be a victim. Jesus’s teaching turned would-be victims into conquerors. Proverbs 16:32 (NASB 1995) says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.” The Bible and history showcase many fearsome warriors whose lack of self-control brought them down (e.g., King Saul and Samson).

Think about how Jesus’s teaching would play out. When an oppressor demanded something from you, instead of balking and seething, you’d graciously offer more than he demanded. You’d no longer be a victim. Your actions elevated you to benefactor. Such a response showed the supernatural strength of God.

When Jesus healed the man with the withered hand, He asked him to stretch out his hand (Mark 3:1-6). Like with the invalid, this would indeed be a cruel command if someone else made it. All the effort in the world couldn’t accomplish it. But when Jesus tells us to do something, our obedience releases His strength to accomplish the impossible.

There are some offenses I can’t forgive in my strength. But through Christ’s power I can obey Him. I can stretch out my hand in forgiveness. He gives legs to my feeble obedience. I experience the power Paul prayed we’d know. “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 1:19-20 NLT).

Jesus never asks us to do something He doesn’t supply the strength to do. We stretch out our withered hands in obedience, and He transforms our crippled hearts into hearts like His. What a great reward—Christ heals us from the paralyzing control of messy emotions so that we can freely walk with Him.

Strength Finder

Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel saying, ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord of hosts” (Zechariah 4:6 NASB 1995).

  • What impossible challenge are you facing?
  • How does Jesus’s method of healing apply to your challenge?
  • What does obedience to Jesus look like in your situation?

Remember we walk by faith, not by how we feel. We may not feel like following Jesus’s commands. We do so out of obedience and let Him do His work in His time. Just as we sometimes must function while suffering from a headache or allergies, we press through and obey out of love for the Lord. Actions, not fickle feelings, show our obedience.

Closing Prayer

Lord, You know I’ve tried to forgive. I want to obey You and treat my enemy as I want to be treated, but sometimes my emotions paralyze me. Thank You for helping me obey Your command to bless and not curse, to release and not cling to what’s lost, and to be good to all. Thank You for supplying the strength to obey. With Your help, I will obey Your leading whether my feelings cooperate or not. I will focus on my actions and trust You to heal my emotions at the perfect time. Thank You for the power of Your Spirit that lives within me.

I’m working on a book on forgiveness. This is one of the chapters. (Other chapters deal with how to treat unsafe people.) I’d love to hear your thoughts. Did you find this relevant and/or helpful or not? Do you have suggestions for aspects that should be addressed? Thanks for your feedback!

Add your comments here.

I Tried to Forgive; But I’m Still Not Free #forgiveness, #freedom Share on X

Blessings,

[1] The Revelation of John Pg. 217 The Tardy Oxcart

Sometimes I link with these great sites:

#MondayLinkUp #InstaEncouragements, #TellHisStory, #Let’sHaveCoffee, #Grace&Truth

 

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33 Comments

33 Comments

  1. Melissa Henderson

    This is an important message. Forgiveness can be a struggle at times. I’m thankful for God’s forgiveness and love. 🙂

    Reply
    • Paula N Coleman

      Thank you, Debbie, for turning our eyes to the One who empowers forgiveness. What I’ve witnessed as the most common barrier to forgiveness is the thinking, “If I forgive, it’s like saying the offense never happened or shouldn’t have affected me.” But, of course, needing to forgive means something wrong has happened. When I turn to Christ, who saw what happened and comforts me, it’s not as difficult to trust him to enable me to forgive.

      Reply
      • Debbie W. Wilson

        Paula, I like how you say, ” needing to forgive means something wrong has happened.” I started this book because of so many distorted myths that surround forgiveness. You’ve named another one.

        Reply
      • Annie Yorty

        Debbie, I think your book will be a huge help to many people. I didn’t know anyone who has never struggled with God’s command to forgive. As you say, there are many myths about forgiveness, so I look forward to seeing the rest of your work.

        Reply
        • Debbie W. Wilson

          Annie, those myths can sure paralyze us.

          Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Me too, Melissa. Without His strength and forgiveness we’d be lost.

      Reply
    • Brian Rigg

      Great message, sometimes we need strength to forgive. But we also gain strength when we do.
      Draw near to God and He will Draw near to you.

      Reply
      • Debbie W. Wilson

        Well said, Brian. I like the reminder of that Scripture too.

        Reply
  2. Sandra Julian Barker

    Forgiveness is vitally important — especially to the person who needs to do the forgiving. Otherwise, it’s like a bitter, poison seed within you that hurts you more than the person who wronged you in some way. I went through this myself and spent a couple years praying and asking God to help me to forgive a hurt/betrayal. Perhaps I wasn’t yet willing to let it go is why it took so long, but one day as I prayed, a wave of peace settled over me and God took the bitterness and unforgiveness away from me; I haven’t suffered from it since. By His power and grace, I was able to let it go and fully forgive. I never even told the person about any of this – and felt no need to do so since we had continued our friendship in spite of that kernel of bitterness. When I let it go (thru God’s grace), I felt so free. I never want to harbor unforgiveness again. Let God help you heal and be willing to let it go. Freedom is a beautiful thing!

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Sandra, thank you for sharing your experience! I know it will provide hope for those struggling. Sometimes forgiving requires vigilance.

      Reply
  3. Rose Wakefield

    I really enjoyed this!

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks, Rose!

      Reply
  4. Barbara Latta

    Great word, Debbie, and very much needed. I think your book on forgiveness is a great idea and will help many get free.

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Thank you, Barbara. It’s a subject we all have to live with.

      Reply
      • Brian Rigg

        Great message, sometimes we need strength to forgive. But we also gain strength when we do.
        Draw near to God and He will Draw near to you.

        Reply
  5. Debbie Sim

    This really spoke to my heart regarding dealing with people that make me mad. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Thank you, Debbie. We all have them, don’t we?

      Reply
  6. Ann Musico

    This was very relevant Debbie. Who doesn’t have someone they struggle to forgive? Even if is yourself!

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Ann, you bring up a good point. Forgiving ourselves is as important as forgiving others.

      Reply
  7. Michele Morin

    Sure is an important topic.
    I spent a long time a couple of years ago in the Lord’s prayer grappling with Jesus’s words about forgiveness. Can we limit the power of the gospel and the ability of God to forgive us by holding a grudge? On the other hand, can we say that we have truly taken and embraced God’s forgiveness if we find it impossible to turn it towards others?

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Michele, “Forgive us as we forgive.” Those words definitely are attention grabbers when we’re struggling to forgive. They remind us that we too stand in the need of grace. And you’re right, I don’t think we can truly embrace God’s forgiveness and refuse to pass it on.

      Reply
  8. Katherine Pasour

    I’ve struggled with unforgiveness with issues that happened in my childhood. As I have submitted this burden to Jesus, I’ve begun to cope better with what happened and recognized Jesus has softened my hardened heart. God is good! Thank you, Debbie.

    Reply
    • Debbie Wilson

      Katherine, some offenses are definitely harder to let go than others. We certainly need God’s grace. Thankfully, He’s helping us even when our feelings get stuck.

      Reply
  9. Joanna Eccles

    I read a great book years ago about choosing forgiveness. We first must make the left-brain decision to forgive, and then ask God to heal our right-brained emotions. Jesus’s advice to pray for your enemies really brings about heart change. I once had a difficult person in my life, but the more I prayed, the more both she and I changed for the better. Even when we don’t want to bless that person, when we do so anyway, we wind up receiving the blessing.

    Reply
    • Debbie Wilson

      Joanna, I’ve never heard it explained that way, but this makes sense. There certainly can be a time gap between the decision and the emotional healing. Our choices either hinder or help the process. Thanks for sharing this.

      Reply
  10. Yvonne Morgan

    I can so relate as I still have to work on forgiving a few people but I keep at it and pray lots about it. Thanks Debbie for this great reminder.

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Yvonne, I think most of us have had those that are harder to release. I believe God uses them to keep us humbly reliant on Him.

      Reply
  11. Debbie Sipper

    Just some thoughts on forgiveness. I believe forgiveness takes humility. Humility that understands our human state, that we’re all in the same boat. No one is above another no matter the offense. All humans have the capacity to be the offender at one time or another. We are the created, not the creator. Jesus understood our humble state as he humbled himself to become human. He told us to forgive. But I agree it is only through His transforming power that it is accomplished.

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Debbie, well said. But for the grace of God…

      Reply
  12. Linda Stoll

    I love that forgiveness can sometimes be a process, not a one and done. This gives us grace and space to walk through what we need to examine to get to the point where we can wish our perpetrator well. It doesn’t mean reconciliation, it doesn’t require a face to face conversation. God is able to do this for us if we ask. I am so grateful …

    https://lindastoll.substack.com/p/porch-167-the-sweet-honey-of-forgiveness

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Linda, you’re right. Forgiveness, even coming to the place we want to bless the offender, doesn’t mean they’ll change and be safe. King Saul is a perfect example. I’m glad God recorded David’s relationship with him for us.

      Reply
  13. Maryleigh

    At one point, focusing on how God can turn those hurts to good needed to become my focus – and how not to pray for my comfort but for the one who hurt to fulfill God’s plan changed so very much. In one instance, God showed me how the hurt had been maybe a great gift because of its long-term effect causing others to choose more carefully. Maybe that is a key – trusting God during the wait while He grows something valuable from the hurts.

    Reply
    • Debbie W. Wilson

      Maryleigh, you offer great perspective. If we can imagine God using it for good, think how much more good He’ll actually bring from our wounds.

      Reply

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