Growing up, I unconsciously adopted my culture’s view that if you were nice to people, they’d be nice back. If you truly forgave someone who wronged you, they’d become trustworthy.
At nineteen I met someone who challenged that view. My stepmother.
Today is release day for Big Hurt, Bigger God: Finding Freedom Through Biblical Forgiveness. As I celebrate, I want to give you a peek into my personal journey that led me to write it.
When our dorms closed for college breaks, I was forced to head home. If I asked my stepmother how I could help, she said my help wasn’t needed. Later, she fumed because I’d retreated to my bedroom to keep out of her way.
If my bedroom curtains were open, she told me to close them. That looked better to anyone who happened to drive down our quiet subdivision road. The only place I could sit was my bed. She inspected other chairs for wrinkles.
In other words, I couldn’t make her happy or kind, no matter how hard I tried.
One day, she called me into her bedroom.
“Your father said you and Diane (my sister) don’t feel wanted,” she said. “If he has a heart attack, it’ll be your fault for causing him to worry.”
Then she seemed to soften. “One day you’ll understand. When you get married, you won’t want kids around either. If I had someplace to send my own child, I would.”
What a relief to get that cleared up. I left feeling totally wanted and loved—not!
But my deeper hurt came because my father succumbed to her behavior. In some ways, I can sympathize with his Catch-22. On a rare occasion when he confronted her manipulation, she stretched out on the hall floor, feigning unconsciousness. An open bottle of pills lay strewn next to her.
I thought this stuff happened only in movies.
But what cut deeper were some teachings on forgiveness. I read one article in a well-respected publication that said if a wound still hurts it means you haven’t truly forgiven. The loss of my father to his new family hurt until he died. Did my pain really mean that I hadn’t forgiven?
Others seemed to expect that if a victim forgave from the heart, the offender would feel regret, repent, and everyone would live happily ever-after.
But that wasn’t my experience, no matter how much I tried. Nor was it the experience of my counseling clients.
Could forgiveness really mean that a wound should stop hurting?
My experience caused me to pay closer attention to biblical stories and teaching on how God wants us to respond when people hurt us and others. What I learned was freeing.
- Forgiveness doesn’t magically erase all pain or consequences.
- It’s not pretending the wound didn’t hurt or happen.
- And it doesn’t guarantee that the one who injured us will repent or change.
Forgiveness requires trust in God, not the offender.
And it frees us from allowing another person’s wrong to control our hearts and future.
This discovery eventually led to the writing of Big Hurt, Bigger God: Finding Freedom Through Biblical Forgiveness.
I pray it will free those who still hurt, even after trying to forgive, from false guilt and unrealistic expectations. I hope it leads readers into deeper healing and peace, whether their wounds are fresh or decades old.
One thing God has shown me is that He understands the pain of betrayal. He knows what happened. And He cares.
Even better, He meets us in it, brings beauty from ashes, and helps us move from victims to victors.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the lingering pain of betrayal or being wronged, I invite you to read Big Hurt, Bigger God: Finding Freedom Through Biblical Forgiveness.
Whatever the size of your hurt, God is bigger—and He wants to meet you there.
Today’s the day! Big Hurt, Bigger God: Finding Freedom Through Biblical Forgiveness is officially released. Have you ever wondered, “If I’ve forgiven, why hasn’t the situation changed?” #forgiveness, #BigHurt Share on XCelebrating a Big God,
Sometimes I link to these great sites:
#MondayLinkUp, #InstaEncouragements, #Let’sHaveCoffee, #SweetTea&Friends
Great introduction to your new release. Your openness and truth telling throughout this book makes it the best one yet that you have authored. I plan to do a review of it featured on my website soon.
So appreciate you, my friend.
Thank you, Pam. That means a lot!
I’m glad you cleared that up because so many people do believe the wrong things about forgiveness. I think some people hold on to bitterness because they think forgiving someone means what they did doesn’t matter. Like it’s just sweeping the injustice under the rug. When I learned that forgiveness means I release the wound to God it helped me. And every time the hurt rose up again, I had to do the same thing. Yes, it still hurt, but I gave it to Him every time, and I still do. Like you said in your book, we let Him cleanse the wounds.
I agree, Barbara. Misconceptions about forgiveness abound and keep people trapped in their misery.
Thank you for sharing your heart in a sound biblical way. Myths and lies can leave a person doubled over in pain. Grace and truth can set a person free. May the book launch go well.
You’re so right. Grace and truth can set us free!
Your message in Refreshing Faith Blog today was so spot on for me. Thank you! You always know how to get to the heart of matters, understand it, and offer such positive feedback. I’m so thankful for your words. I look forward to the study in “Big Hurt, Bigger God”, I’m sure everyone has a portion of their life that needs healing!
Yes, if we live any length of time on this planet, I think you’re right. We all have places that need God’s healing touch.
Wow. That is a lot of emotional baggage to lay on a child. My brother’s wife had the same kind of wicked stepmother. My sister-in-law still feels inadquate from being belittled during her childhood and teen years.
Blessing on you for sharing this deep pain.
It’s amazing how many adults expect the child to be the bigger one and give the unkind adult a pass.
Debbie that story hurts my heart and I know many children unfortunately go through that. I know your book will help them understand what true Biblical forgiveness is and how to receive the healing they so deserve.
Yes, too many. Thanks, Ann.
Debbie, it takes great courage to face
& walk through places within that may continue to haunt & rob us us of the
healing & peace & joy our Lord longs to be to us & in us & through us. Thanks for your willingness to share your story with insights that enable us to face & forgive. Sharing your book with others. Love, Marilyn
Thank you, Marilyn.
Your story, I’m sure, will be a blessing all who have undergone trauma (and I think the majority of us have in our broken world). Thank you for being God’s faithful servant through sharing your story to help others understand His goodness.
I hope so, Lynn. Thank you.
What a testimony Debbie. I believe many people feel the same way you did so I’m glad they have a new resource to help. Praying for a successful launch.
Thanks so much, Yvonne.
Thank you for this book Debbie!
Thank you, Stephanie! You’re a great cheerleader.
Debbie, I’m celebrating your release day with you and hope you are encouraged by this wonderful milestone! My review will be in next weekend’s PORCH. I look forward to sharing the wisdom God has given you with others.
Bless you!
Thank you, Linda! That means a lot.
Debbie,
Thank you for sharing your story. Just this sharing touches me in many ways, from being aware of and caring for my own kids and their wellbeing, to being able to properly forgive as God requires, and knowing God cares and more.
Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate you taking the time to read, comment, and apply to your own life. God bless!
God’s ways are definitely higher than ours and always better!
Amen, Ann. I see I didn’t change the link for this week’s post! Oops.
I appreciate your transparency and vulnerability in sharing with us what led to the book. I pray that God leads someone who needs to hear this to your book.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month Sweet friend. I’m so happy you’re here.
Thanks so much, Paula!