Years ago, I spoke with a man who equated forgiveness with restored trust. In other words, if someone borrowed $1,000 from him and didn’t repay it, if he’d forgiven the first offense, he had to lend him more money when asked.
I disagree.
With that kind of thinking, if someone forgives a parent for abusing them, (physically, sexually, or otherwise), they would be obligated to entrust their own precious children to that parent when asked—even when there had been no acknowledgement of their wrong behavior or evidence of change.
Sadly, I’ve talked with people who have done that very thing. They were appalled when they discovered their abusers had mistreated their children the same way they had injured them growing up.
Forgiving someone doesn’t change the other person’s character. It doesn’t transform a mean person into a nice one. Forgiveness frees me from resentment and bitterness so I use godly discernment. And discernment grows with practice (Hebrews 5:14).
You Can Forgive Someone Without Trusting Them
Discerning whom to trust goes beyond perceiving who’s unkind. I’m not a detail person, so I don’t trust myself to do the final edit on my writing. I tend to see what I meant to say rather than what I actually wrote.
Trust is often specific to an area. We can trust someone with one responsibility and not another, based on their character, experience, or track record. That’s why I don’t trust the man who cuts my grass to cut my hair.
I love my dog Strider. He’s sweet-natured, affectionate, and playful. But unlike Max, we can’t trust him to obey when we’re out. If he sees another dog or people he wants to meet, he ignores our cries and races over to them. For both his wellbeing and ours, we must keep him on a leash.
Strider Running
That doesn’t mean we love Strider less. It means we know him.
Forgiveness deals with the debt. Trust deals with demonstrated character.
Sometimes, people will falsely accuse us of being unloving because we use discernment. But David, Jesus, and Paul all used wisdom and discernment when dealing with people (1 Sam. 19; 24; 26; John 2:23-25; Gal. 4:17).
The Bible tells us to love our enemies. Sometimes we confuse love with not hurting someone’s feelings or never saying no. But real love rejoices in truth (1 Cor.13:6) and seeks the eternal good of everyone involved. This will disappoint those selfishly seeking their own way.
Sometimes giving a warning or restricting a behavior demonstrates the best form of love. This may do more to bring a person to genuine repentance than giving them what they want or allowing them to continue in destructive behavior.
Don’t let some pious platitude keep you from forgiving because your discernment recognizes a person isn’t trustworthy. And don’t let someone else, or your own desire to avoid conflict, bully you into trusting someone who has shown themselves to be untrustworthy in a particular area.
That’s not being mean. That’s being wise.
“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves” (Gal. 5:16 NLT),
Sometimes our human nature seeks to please the wrong people to avoid conflict or feeling “mean.” May we heed Jesus’ words and be wise.
“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be as wary as serpents, and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16 NASB).
Forgiveness releases us from the debt. Discernment reveals whom to trust. Let’s not confuse the two.
Want to Go Deeper?
Big Hurt, Bigger God explores what biblical forgiveness really looks like when the hurt is deep—and how God can lead us from bitterness toward freedom.
The hurt may be big. But our God is bigger.
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You have said this so perfectly, Debbie. I know some people who will be “set free” with this advice.
THANKS!
I read all your true stories and I want to get 1 of your books could I have one sent to me?
James, I’m not sure you’re responding to me or Joan. She’s also an author. If you click “books” on this site’s menu, it will take you to my books. Just click the icon of the one you want to order and it will show the options. All the best.
Thank you, Joan. I hope you are doing well.
This is such an important distinction! We are told to forgive – always. But we need to use wisdom in who we trust
Amen! Thanks, Ann.
Thanks for sharing such an important distinction.
Thanks for reading, Sarah.
Thanks for distinguishing this difference, Debbie. It can save people a lot of pain if they recognize and follow this explanation.
I hope this will protect people. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I smiled as I read about your Strider, because we’re dog sitting our youngest son’s Walter this week, and I love him to pieces—but I don’t trust him even a little bit!
I like the reminder in Colossians 3 that we’re to “forgive as the Lord forgave you.” We don’t have to throw our brains or reasonable caution out the window in order to forgive someone.
Loved your book!
I’m thinking Walter and Strider would be good friends! Thanks, Michele.
Thank you, Debbie. Such an important distinction!!
Thank you, Paula.
Excellent post, Debbie. Full of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your insights on both forgiveness and trust!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Joanne.
Debbie, these are powerful words: “Forgiveness deals with the debt. Trust deals with demonstrated character.” Visiting from Paula’s today.
Thanks, Lisa.
This is such an important distinction. We can forgive anyone but we can’t trust everyone.
Well said, Barbara.
Debbie, there’s something so freeing to know that forgiveness and trust are not the same. Too often think that forgiveness encompasses so much more than it really does. It becomes a burdensome checklist.
Thank God He helps us navigate this journey step by step.
I agree, Linda. When we add to God’s commandments they become burdensome.
I’m loving this series Debbie. You provided such important information and I really appreciate it.
Thanks so much, Yvonne. I’ve enjoyed thinking of different aspects.
So wonderfully spoken Debbie. This is such a poignant message. I appreciate how you explained this, it was really easy to understand.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month dear friend. I’m so happy you’re here.
xo
Thank you, Paula. You’re a real encourager.